overwhelmingtoomuchitalllooksthesame

This stream of words is pulsating in my head. I keep trying to configure and set up the fine arts website. Instead, I’m staring at the screen trying to decide the look/feel of the site and I cannot make a single decision. I really wish I could afford to have someone who is amazing and talented and uber cheap to get this going but instead I’m going to keep staring and hope a magic elf appears to do all the work for me.

Come on magic elf…I know you’re in there somewhere…..

Holy Crap. I’m having a midlife crisis…..

The problem with doing everything in my life backwards is that it finds me having a midlife crisis like some horribly cheesy Hollywood film. I’m whining, kicking and screaming; throwing my own personal fit because I can’t have what I want right NOW. The boy came first at 20, then marriage, then the girl at 24 and along the way I managed to pick up an accounting “career”. This is where I shot myself in the damn foot. I should have started creating then and found a way to make it work. Now, I’m sitting watching the clock and calendar speed past as I wait my turn. The problem with my plush career is just that….it has provided me and the family a certain comfort level that I can’t step away from now. Not because I think I’m too good to live any other way but damn if I don’t have a mortgage now. Ugh.

I’m trying very hard to behave during this crisis. (As much as one can when you want to go running for the hills and reinvent your life.) Now we throw in the being displaced because this massive building we mortgage has been severely damaged and my limited routine is quashed and I’m in limbo going, ‘’What?” This shall pass and hopefully it will get easier as the time goes by giving me some opportunity to create and get something (anything please) heading in the right direction for a life as a creative person. Thank Cthulhu for my dearest husband who puts up with my random rantings and diatribes on the insanity that I cornered myself into when younger. I know this will pass.

Am I the only one here? Have any others found themselves, middle-aged and questioning their life path; desperate to move it to another course but stuck due to circumstance until a future time? How the heck do you deal with this and keep yourself from losing your marbles waiting your turn? To complicate matters, yes, I know I could probably hunker down and work full-time while pushing myself to get my own thing going with art and writing but then it aggravates my whole “bipolar” thingy I got going on and I really do start to lose my very tentative grip on reality. I cannot multi-task multiple high stress things at once. I get to pick one or two things I can do at once and nothing more. Otherwise, I’ll be catatonic in the bed wondering if I’m real and the world can actually see me. It gets really ugly and not fun.

I guess I feel a tad better after brain dumping all this whining. I do have a great weekend ahead of me as it is Via Colori weekend here in Houston. I get to spend the weekend painting a 6ftX6ft square on the streets of downtown and enjoy great music, food and visit with hundreds of other artists. It is also the weekend of our famous ArtCrawl. So, while I must sit daily and analyze numbers and make pretty spreadsheets in excel that do amazing, complicated calculations – I will remember that MY time is coming and when it does I will be a force of creativity that won’t slow down and all these rambling ideas and stories will finally see the light!

If you are in the Houston Area here is all the info on Via Colori. Come out and say HI! I’d love to meet some new people.

http://centerhearingandspeech.org/via-colori/

Where are all the female writers?

There are three specific genres I am passionate about when reading; science-fiction, horror and fantasy. Each of these genres has been very influential in my life and has had a hand in molding my personality and who I am yet when I look back — I don’t recall very many female authors in this genre. The most influential writers of the current times that have made a huge impact on me are Douglas Adams, Clive Barker, Neil Gaiman and Stepehn King. I can only think of one female author who made an impact and that was Kathe Koja and her book Bad Brains. I believe I have read that particular book at least 20 times. However, I have no other female authors in these genres on my bookshelves. Why? Is it because women tend to write in other genres or is it because woman are not as accepted? I don’t know that answer. I’m not one to jump on the “woman are not treated equally” band wagon. In fact, I tend to steer as clear away from that mantra as possible yet I’m perplexed by this phenomenon. Especially since these threee genres are the ones I tend to write stories under.

Speaking of writing. I formulated a new idea while clearing an excel spreadsheet over the last few days. It centers around an entity seeping through the dimensional walls and infecting a playground full of children. Initially thought to be a disease – they are treated at a local hospital only to discover it is something much more sinister and turning the chidren from peaceful happy-go-lucky youths into something much darker and dangerous. I’m fleshing out the storyline. Hopefully I’ll get to work on this soon. I seem to be stuck in a no-go situation with Jason Leeks momentarily so maybe stepping into another world for a bit will stop me from obsessing and the story will start to flow naturally again or at the very least I can relax from trying to move that forward for a bit.

Anywho – thoughts on this whole, woman not being in the top of the three genres I listed (horror, science-fiction or fantasy)? I’d love to hear from others on their opinions of this. I have no definitive opinion; just curiousity.

And then life happened

In the last few weeks, maybe months, I had found myself succumbing to that familiar old sensation called “fear”. You know, the fear of doing anything for the fact that it might actually be completely ignored and inconsequential in the fabric of the lives of those who you are trying to impress. I found myself ground to a halt yet once again. I haven’t finished my latest projects in the art studio and Jason…poor Jason Leeks. He has been stuck in the cockpit of a spaceship shortly from his kidnapping and has made no progress at all. This is frustrating and I had really thought I was beyond this little problem but alas, I don’t think it will ever go away.

Then this happened:

Mom, the garage is on fire....

The roof is on fire….

It has started to put things into perspective. I have no art supplies currently in the temporary apartment we are living at these days. I didn’t lose everything but they took it all when they cleared the house for cleaning and have shoved it all into storage. Its just as well because this temporary housing has no place for me to set anything up. However, I am dying to create; to get my hands on anything and make something. I have some great friends who have provided me the basics of sketch pads and drawing pencils — thank freakin’ jeebus.

I have been trying to get myself out of the corporate world for so long and go through this stop/start rhythm for so long. I had recently started doing some freelance work online for accounting/administration type work and it was going pretty well. I was beginning to see a light that would get me out of my drudgery and into a home office where I would have more time to write and create then…fire. There is also a great mentoring program that is taking applications for a year long artist mentorship with a local artist who has mastered the skill of creating his own business from his talent. You get to spend a year working in the studio in his gallery and with his guidance learn what it takes to get yourself to the next step. I’m terrified and don’t know if I’m ready to make that leap but if not now….when? The biggest hurdle in my mind IS my mind. I know my limits with stress. Being bi-polar I have to be very conscious of how much stress I allow in my life and I have to make sure I do not take on so many responsibilities that I overwhelm my brain. This causes a rather negative outcome and ends with me usually in a corner looking down on myself wondering about my very existence. It is not pretty and nor is it conducive to actually accomplishing anything. In the midst of this internal struggle I am searching for a new full-time job. My contract stint is running out of time and I’m running out of patience with the ridiculousness of this monkey work. Can I handle a new job AND the mentorship program? I don’t know but I feel like I have to try. Yet, fear sets in and has me hiding in the shadows. *sigh* I hate my brain sometimes.

And poor Jason Leeks. His story has been playing itself out in my mind on a regular basis but I can’t seem to get it out of there. He has been sitting in that cockpit in the middle of an argument now for a couple of months with no end in sight. My house catching fire and being put out for what could be up to six months for repairs is making me really evaluate myself and how I keep letting things stand in my way and become an excuse. I don’t know if this will finally get me back on track or not but I know it has me seriously contemplating on why I have been letting something as silly as *fear* of going unnoticed stop me from accomplishing things. It is not like I’m exactly a glowing spotlight of recognition at the moment so it is not like I’m making it worse. So, decisions to be made including paint colors for my entire house (which is rather exciting because I have HATED the color of all my walls for years now) and getting myself to accept full commitment to the things that I have started and wish to see through regardless of what my mind is trying to tell me.

Keep an eye out for a new site coming up. I’m working on getting one dedicated solely to my artwork and you’ll be able to purchase existing artwork or we can communicate about a commission created as a collobartion of your personality and my artistic interpretation for you. Whether I actually make a huge contribution to the world or not, I’m going to try.

Let’s play catch up.

Wow. As always, I’m busy and forget to check in on this thing. Sometimes I wonder about my desire to continue this blog but then I get on here and remember….

So – catch up.

My time has been consumed lately by Houston NORML (Houston chapter of National Organization to Reform Marijuana Laws). Before you all judge (like I’d bother being offended), I don’t smoke. I feel though, that this particular plant deserves a chance to prove its usefulness and this whole “war on drugs” has become more of a “war on the people” than anything. I was voted in as Secretary two months ago and have been consumed with duties to get things up to speed with my slight OCD tendencies.

I haven’t had much opportunity to write with all this going on as well. I did however review what I have written so far on the Jason Leeks story. We are up to his first steps into an intergalactic space ship. Its going to really start to get interesting from here on out. Guns, women, government conspiracies on a galactic level, space ships and lots of bad one liners to keep you entertained.

Painting is going even slower. My art studio is once again an apocalyptic disaster area. I’m sure there is a floor in there and I have located the last project I need to complete. I need about two days to get it in order though…. I either need a bigger room to work in or to learn how to get better organized. (who am I kidding, I need a bigger room – I can’t keep anything organized in that room)

The fam-damily is doing great. We recently acquired a new 4 door Jeep Wrangler. We took it out for some off roading fun last weekend. I giggled and laughed maniacally while barreling through giant mud craters and over tree trunks. I had NO idea off roading was such an exciting activity.

Once again, all caught up. Now, I hope I can get some new material up on here in the coming weeks. I finished the edit of Ray’s Box. I just need to actually finish the corrections and I have a couple of new pieces of work that I can add to my art. Here’s to hoping I can stay focused for more than five minutes over the next few weeks.

What’s going on?

A lot of happenings of late.  In the midst of political gatherings to fight for equal rights, book editing and new book writing, as well as preparing for an event to bring together my old crew for a reunion party I participated in a show.  It was on the Art of Habit and Addiction.  Since I so recently kicked sugar’s ass, my piece was on that subject.  Here I am below at the show. 

image

Just who is Jason Leeks?

What is becoming my first novel is really a grand experience so far.  Of course, I’m in the beginning stages where what I started working on actually (honest to Buddha) took on a life of its own.  I have never had a story just announce itself and say, “Okay, whatever you were doing, Stop. I’m here and ready to be told to the world.”  This is all new to me and is still fascinating. 

Today – I’m going to explore exactly who is Jason Leeks since he seems to have just appeared in my head and taken over the controls so effortlessly.  So far, from what I can surmise, he is a loner in his early to mid 30’s.  He isn’t a very social guy and has a bit of a sarcastic mouth as well as quite a pragmatic view of life in general.  He has spent his life, up until being kidnapped, as a record store owner who spends his off time consuming large quantities of beer and getting into fights.  A lot of beer.  A lot of fights.  He seems pretty open to the idea of the universe containing an entire civilization that he knew nothing about and while he is a smart fella, he is not very graceful nor do his ideas for survival always work out the way he plans them.  This is okay for the most part because he seems to have a streak of luck that follows him around.  While he is a jerk at times he still seems to be a general nice guy; he just hasn’t figured out how to BE that nice guy.  He is tall, stands at 6’3” and while not out of shape due to moving stacks of records around regularly, he is a bit portly in the belly.  I think he will find this worked off soon though once he has taken off on his adventures.  I do believe he is also much smarter than he is letting on at this point. 

I have already gotten almost 6K words done in the last couple of days.  I’m an edit as you go person, which I know goes against everything everyone ever says about writing but I just work better this way.  I’m sure there will be additional editing after completion but hopefully not as much.  I’m shooting for about 105K for this story since it is science fiction.  I doubt I’ll keep this pace up the entire time I’m writing but I feel like there is more of a possibility of getting close to what I’ve been doing on a semi-regular basis.  The story is all there, bits and pieces keep popping up in my brain throughout the day.  As they make their appearance I jot them down and then as I go along I figure out where they want/need to be— I still cannot believe the feeling I get about this particular story.  I feel like a flood gate opened somewhere in my head and Mr. Jason Leeks was on the other side waving nonchalantly at me, beer in one hand and space tazer hanging off his hip